


The Man I Know You Can Be

by Rose_SK



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, This Is Sad, Tony Stark Dies, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 12:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19334119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_SK/pseuds/Rose_SK
Summary: Thor knew his brother better than anyone else. He probably knew Loki better than the mage knew himself. Their mother had been right when she said that Loki was always so perceptive about anyone but himself. After Tony Stark sacrificed himself to save the world from Thanos, Thor had of course mourned the fallen hero. They had all mourned the Man of Iron, and the entire world was grateful to him and his last heroic act. Loki was not grateful. He was the only one who wished that Tony had left that suicidal job to someone else.





	The Man I Know You Can Be

Thor knew his brother better than anyone else. He probably knew Loki better than the mage knew himself. Their mother had been right when she said that Loki was always so perceptive about anyone but himself. After Tony Stark sacrificed himself to save the world from Thanos, Thor had of course mourned the fallen hero. They had all mourned the Man of Iron, and the entire world was grateful to him and his last heroic act. Loki was not grateful. He was the only one who wished that Tony had left that suicidal job to someone else.

Loki had been called many different names. Selfish, heartless, ungrateful, self-absorbed to name a mere handful. He was told that he was dishonouring Tony’s memory with his attitude, that he could not have possibly loved him if he did not appreciate his sacrifice. Loki never reacted to those accusations, but then again he had been all but numb since Tony’s death. However, Thor could read his brother like an open book. The two Gods were both aware that most members of the Avengers disapproved of Tony’s decision to date the mage. It was for that precise reason that Loki had not attended Tony’s funeral (at least, no one had seen him there, but that did not mean that Loki had not been present). Perhaps the fact that most people on the team hated him was the reason why Loki allowed them to take their grief and anger out on him, or maybe it was because Loki felt like he deserved to be treated this way. Thor knew how guilty his brother felt because, in his eyes, he had failed to protect and save Tony Stark. In Loki’s eyes, he was partly responsible for his lover’s death. 

Thor had run out of ways to tell Loki that there was nothing he could have said or done that would have convinced Stark not to sacrifice himself to save the world, to save all of them. But Loki was stubborn, especially when it came to his self-hatred.

Recently, things had got worse. Loki had returned (or rather _escaped_ ) to New Asgard with Thor, but he barely left the little house he shared with his brother, and barely spoke to anyone save Thor and occasionally Valkyrie, on a good day. It became increasingly difficult for the mage to emerge from his catatonic state. All Loki did all day was read, often favouring the same books over and over again. Thor knew that reading was an escape for Loki, a mind-numbing experience where he could focus on something other than his loneliness and his grief. So, Thor did his very best to provide his brother with any book he could get his hands on. It was not an easy task, especially since New Asgard was relatively secluded from, and its inhabitants had not quite got used to the internet yet. Thor always managed to get his hands on new books somehow. On the odd occasions when he travelled to New York to meet with the other Avengers, he always asked someone from the team to take him to the nearest book store where he would fill a large bag with books he usually picked at random. No one had ever asked any questions about his new-found passion for reading, and Thor was glad for that. He knew that Loki was still a sensitive subject among the Avengers, and so he tried to bring him up as little as possible. Thor just wanted his brother to heal, and if that meant raiding New York book stores in search for the perfect book for Loki, then so be it.

Loki was not healing, and Thor had his doubts about his brother ever fully recovering from the loss he had suffered. But he had to try everything in his power to bring Loki back. The mage was letting himself die a slow death, but Thor would not allow it. Which was why the God of Thunder was determined to talk some sense into Loki, and this time, he would not give his brother a say in the matter. Thor clutched the weathered copy of ‘The Hobbit’ he had recently bought off a lovely elderly Midgardian at a flea market in Oslo. Thor was convinced that Loki would enjoy this story very much, what with the adventurous dwarves, regal elves and mighty dragons… Thor hoped that the fictional characters would remind Loki of home, where dwarves and elves had always been a familiar sight in the halls of the palace of Asgard. Thor hoped to use this present as a peace offering.

“Brother, I come bearing gifts,” Thor announced cheerfully as he entered the small cottage he shared with his brother. Loki did not even feign interest at Thor’s arrival. The mage was staring out the window nostalgically from where he sat on his favourite chair, knees drawn close to his chest and feet resting on the brown upholstery. In this position, Loki looked so small and _fragile_. The last time Thor had seen him so broken was when he brought his brother the news of their mother’s death when Loki was still residing in a cell on Asgard. Thor hated seeing Loki like this.

“Here,“ Thor gently placed the book on Loki’s lap, noticing how much weight his brother had lost over the past couple of weeks. He had lost most of his muscular stature and he looked a lot paler than usual… which was saying something, indeed. “I think you’ll enjoy this author. I have been informed that he has written plenty in his lifetime, so his works will keep you busy for a while.”

“Is this how I’m supposed to while away the rest of my meaningless life? Reading…?”

The glare his brother shot him sent chills down Thor’s spine. The iciness those blue eyes held would not usually have affected Thor as much, but it was not just anger he saw reflected in those azure orbs, but rather anger mingled with the kind of grief that Thor could not even begin to comprehend. Even if he had technically lost Jane, she was still very much alive. Thor was reminded of Loki’s own bitter words that one time they had travelled to Svartalfheim in pursuit of Malakith. _This day, the next, a hundred years, it’s nothing. It’s a heartbeat! You’ll never be ready._ Thor had never once considered that Loki had perhaps not specifically targeted Thor and Jane with those words, but rather himself and Tony. 

“Brother, I merely wish for you to be as comfortable as possible in our new home. I understand that you’ve suffered great loss…”

“NO!”

Something in Loki snapped. The mage rose to his feet, balling his hands into fists and his nostrils flared with anger as he tried to contain his magic. The book Thor had so carefully picked out had slipped from Loki’s lap and fallen to the ground with a loud thud that echoed in the sparsely-furnished living room.

“You think you understand what I’m going through, but you don’t Thor! You can’t even begin to fathom what’s going on in my mind. Every day is a struggle against my own thoughts, against my grief, against _myself_. I wake up every day feeling like there’s an invisible weight resting on my chest making it nearly impossible to even get out of my bed! You have no idea what it feels like to wake up in the morning and wish that you hadn’t. You have no idea how difficult it is to wake up every morning expecting to see _him_ next to me, but when I open my eyes I’m alone… don’t pretend that you understand, Thor, because you don’t.”

Thor avoided looking directly at his brother, unable to stomach the sadness he could see mirrored in those teary eyes and which was also written all over the mage’s face. However, Thor’s head shot up when he caught the broken sob that pushed past Loki’s lips despite his very best efforts to keep it all in. The sight Thor was met with broke his heart. Loki’s eyebrows were drawn together, and his lips quivered uncontrollably. He looked positively _broken_. There was nothing Thor could do or say to make his brother feel better about Tony’s passing, and that realisation became more obvious with each minute that passed between the two brothers. Thor felt helpless, and he did not care for the feeling in the least.

“Brother, I’m begging you, make it stop. This pain, this feeling that I will never feel happiness ever again… I don’t know how to deal with it all!” Loki hesitated briefly, swallowing thickly as he stared forlornly at Thor. “What should I do?”

“Loki, you’re wrong to assume that I don’t know what you’re going through. I felt exactly the same way as you do now when our mother passed away…,” Thor closed the distance between him and his brother, placing his hands on Loki’s shoulders and this time holding his brother’s gaze, “I felt the same way on all the occasions when I thought you’d died. I didn’t have a choice but to carry on with my life, I tried to distract myself however I could. I know that for you it will feel different, but Loki if I know anything at all it’s that Tony would have wanted you to keep fighting.”

Loki did not say anything for a little while, too focused on blinking away the fresh tears that were welling up in his eyes. The mage stubbornly looked away from his brother as one rebel tear managed to trail down his pale cheek, but he seemed willing enough to remain close to of Thor despite his already wounded pride. Loki pursed his lips and slightly shook his head, almost as if admonishing himself for his behaviour. Thor was surprised when his brother sighed heavily and rested his head heavily on Thor’s shoulder, unable to hold back the tears any longer. The God of Thunder wrapped his strong arms around the mage’s skinny frame, careful not to crush him as he hugged his brother closer. He softly shushed Loki as his brother sobbed into his shoulder.

“It’s alright, Loki. It’s just the two of us, you can let it all out,” Thor reassured his brother, simply holding Loki close and allowing him to soak his shoulder with his grief.

“I’m a disgrace. The others were right, I have failed Tony. I still failing him now that he’s dead.”

“Brother, don’t say that. I won’t allow it! The Man of Iron loved you deeply, he worshipped the ground you walked on. He was convinced of your goodness, and had he not thought you worthy of his love he would not have allowed himself to fall for you, brother.”

“What would he think of me now, I dare wonder?” Loki whispered between hiccups, cuddling even closer to Thor if that was possible.

“He would be flattered, no doubt. And proud that he made the great Loki Odinson cry…,” Thor joked, smiling warmly when his efforts pulled a soft chuckle from Loki.

“Yes brother, you’re probably right. He always did enjoy the attention.” Loki pulled away from Thor, wiping the rogue tears from his puffy cheeks and managing a small apologetic smile. “I’m sorry for the pitiful display.”

“Don’t be foolish, brother. Tony’s death hit us all hard, but you lost a lover. It’s a different kind of grief.”

“Perhaps so. I also meant to thank you for bearing with me for so long. Anyone else would have banished me by now.” Loki spoke those words as if he worried that being thrown out was still a possibility he believed Thor to be considering. The God of Thunder clapped Loki’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, almost throwing his brother off his feet as he did so.

“You’re my brother, you fool. No matter what, I’ll always have your back.”

Loki flashed Thor a genuine smile, which warmed the blond’s heart. Neither of them spoke of that day again in the weeks that followed, but Thor could tell that something had changed. Loki was chattier with him and Valkyrie, even going as far as greeting some Asgardians on his rare ventures out to the market, or when he decided to go for a walk I the fjords. Things were starting to look up for Loki, to Thor’s immense relief. Over the course of the next six months, Loki pretty much returned to his usual self. It was also around that time that Thor got a call from Peter.

 _“Spiderling, what a pleasure to hear your voice again!”_ Thor greeted him in his familiar cheerful tone.

 _“Mr Thor, you know how much I hate that nickname,”_ Peter complained on the other line, and Thor could almost hear the eye roll that followed those words.

_“To what do I owe the pleasure?”_

_“Well, here’s the thing… there’s something Mr Stark asked me to do in case… in case, you know, something happened to him,”_ Thor waited patiently while Peter took a composing breath, knowing how hard Tony’s death had hit the boy as well, _“uh, I need you and Mr Loki to travel to New York. Or I’ll find a way to travel to Norway, I mean, I’m sure I’ll get money for the plane somehow, and also I’ve always wanted to see Europe, so I guess I could…”_

 _“Slow down, Spiderling, you can’t even keep up with yourself,”_ Thor remarked fondly, _“You are welcome in New Asgard, my people will make you feel right at home. What is it that Tony asked you to do?”_

 _“I can’t explain on the phone. I’ll organise something asap, just don’t tell Mr Loki why I’m visiting.”_ Thor raised a quizzical eyebrow at the Peter’s words, but he trusted the boy and he knew that Peter was one of the very few people who did not hate Loki. He would not be a threat to the mage.

_“Very well, let me know when you’re expected to arrive. We’ll be waiting for you.”_

_“Yeah, thanks Mr Thor. I’ll be in touch.”_

OoO 

Peter arrived two weeks later, and Thor made good on his promise to welcome him in true Asgardian fashion. A banquet was organised, and everyone in New Asgard outdid themselves to prepare a lavish welcome dinner for the Spiderling. Peter was slightly embarrassed at first, but he soon relaxed and enjoyed the delicious meats, fruits and freshly baked breads that the Asgardians had prepared in honour of his visit. Everyone was having an excellent time, and as the night carried on, almost every inhabitant was out on the streets dancing and enjoying the mild temperatures of the Norwegian summer night.

Loki had not wished to participate to the festivities, and Thor suspected why. On this date, Loki and Tony would have celebrated their fifth anniversary. After all the progress his brother had made over the past six months, the little bit of happiness that Loki had managed to painfully recover had shattered in a million pieces. Thor had not seen Loki leave his room all day, and he knew better than to disturb his brother on this day. All he had done was leave him plates of food outside his bedroom door, which had remained untouched. Thor had invited his brother to join him to the festivities, but he had not got any answer from Loki. In the end, Thor had deemed it wise to give his brother some space.

However, as Peter explained what it was that Tony had asked him to do, Thor felt hope warm in his heart.

“Are you sure it’s safe to disturb Mr Loki today? I mean, we can always wait until tomorrow…”

“Tony’s instructions were clear. It has to be done today, doesn’t it? That’s what you said…,” Thor insisted, far too excited over what was about to happen to allow Peter to chicken out now. The teenager still looked uncertain.

“I mean, he’s not going to hex us the minute we step into his room uninvited?”

“It’s Loki, of course there’s a risk that he’ll hex us. We’ll just have to be quick about it,” Thor explained with a wide smile. Peter grimaced in return.

“I guess that’s what Mr Stark would have wanted. That was literally his last wish to me before he died…”

Thor wrapped one arm around Peter’s should and squeezed, providing some comfort as the teenager tried to supress the grief the painful memories of his mentor brought up in him. Peter swallowed back his emotions and nodded determinedly at Thor.

“Ok, let’s do this.”

Thor guided Peter to his home, keeping an arm around him for most of the way and pretending not to notice the tears that trailed down Peter’s cheeks. By the time the two reached the front door, Peter had regained some of his composure but still kept quiet, which in itself was an indication that something was not sitting right with the Spiderling. Thor did not remark on Peter’s silence and led him through the living area to Loki’s bedroom door. The God of Thunder knocked on the door gently, calling out his brother’s name. Unsurprisingly, they did not get an answer.

“Loki, Peter came from New York to visit. You remember him? The Spiderchild…” Thor ignored the way Peter shot him a furious glare at the nickname. “He came here to see you, in fact. He has something he’d like you to have.” Still no reaction from Loki. Thor sighed heavily before trying the door, only to find that it had been locked. “Alright brother, you leave me no choice.”

“Hang on!” Peter cried out as Thor braced himself to kick the door down, “Please Mr Thor, may I?” Thor raised an eyebrow at the young human’s words. He highly doubted that Peter would be able to convince Loki to talk to them after Tho’s failed attempt, but the kid had that determined look on his face making it clear he would not be taking no for an answer. Thor merely nodded in agreement, stepping away from the door to allow Peter some room.

“Mr Loki, it’s Peter. Hi, by the way. Look, I’m sorry about the way the other Avengers treated you after Mr Stark… well, you know. It was not fair of them to take everything out on you, and I want you to know that I was in no way on their side. I really like you, Mr Loki, you’re a really chill guy and all that. Look, after Mr Stark’s funeral I went back to my Aunt May and I found a USB stick on my bed with the Stark Industries logo on it. When I checked it out, it was a video of Mr Stark telling me that he had hidden another USB stick in my room. He then asked me to keep that stick safe and then give it to you today.”

Thor and Peter waited for a brief instant, both hoping that Loki would either open the door or at least speak to them, but nothing came. Peter looked over his shoulder at Thor, taking comfort in the way the God urged him to carry on with an encouraging nod.

“I had no idea why precisely today, but then Mr Thor told me that your anniversary is today and … it all makes sense now, somehow. I haven’t checked what’s on your stick, just so you know. I can leave it in front of your door and you can have a look at it whenever you want. Sorry for disturbing you. Take care, Mr Loki.”

Peter pulled said USB stick out of his pocket and placed it carefully on the floor. He then turned around to walk away from the door when a clicking sound caught both men’s attentions. Peter stopped dead in his tracks while Thor watched with bafflement as the door to his brother’s room opened slightly in a silent invitation to step inside. Peter and Thor shared a look, but they both knew that this was probably their only chance to get through to Loki. Peter picked up the stick and walked inside the stuffy room, Thor following closely behind.

“Hey Mr Loki. You look well,” Peter told the mage, and only then did Thor notice that Loki stood with his back facing the door, dressed in his usual black and green leathers with his hair slicked back perfectly. Thor felt his heart clench in his chest when he realised that his brother was probably putting up an illusion.

“What is that USB stick you’re speaking about, Spiderling?” Loki asked, cutting right to the chase.

“I… here it is, Mr Loki.”

Loki finally turned to face the young human, looking as haughty and proud as ever. Thor saw right through it, though. He knew that standing before him was not the real Loki. His brother was probably curled up in bed in a foetal position, eyes red and puffy from crying too much. Almost as if he expected to see him there, Thor glanced at the empty bed. He could almost feel the real Loki staring right back at him, but the God of Thunder kept his mouth shut about it.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Loki’s replica asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. Peter stuttered something under his breath, frantically looking around the room for _something_.

“Uh… Mr Thor, do you have a laptop or computer or something?”

“Well yes, I recently started a new Fortnite profile on Korg’s new device! Give me just a moment.”

Thor returned with the desired device and handed it to Peter, who set it up on the desk in Loki’s room and stuck the stick in one of the USB ports. A folder containing a single file labelled ‘Reindeer Games’ opened automatically on screen. Thor observed Loki’s replica carefully, noticing that his expression had not changed. That was the only proof Thor needed to know that this was not actually his brother standing before them, thus confirming his suspicions. Peter double clicked on the file, and instantly a second window opened and showed Tony’s face. If Thor was not mistaken, the file appeared to be a recorded video of the late engineer.

“Do you want us to leave, Mr Loki? You just have to press play and it’ll play by itself…”

Loki’s replica did not react. A long silence settled between the three men, during which neither Thor nor Peter dared to breathe, fearing that anything could send Loki into a fit. Suddenly, the Loki standing before them vanished. Peter’s eyes went wide as he took in the scene before his eyes. Thor, despite having his back turned to Loki’s bed, knew precisely what it was the young human was witnessing.

“I’m glad you decided to drop the pretence, brother,” Thor admitted as he spun around to look directly at a dishevelled and miserable Loki.

“Mr Thor?” Thor could hear the question in Peter’s tone, but he merely shook his head at the young human, indicating that now was not the moment to talk. Peter merely nodded his understanding.

“So brother, would you like us to leave?”

Loki did not answer, his eyes glued to the laptop screen in utter shock. When the mage finally managed to look away, his almost _pleading_ blue orbs came to rest on his brother. In that moment, Loki looked like a deer in the headlights. Thor smiled reassuringly at his brother before motioning for Peter to press play. The Spiderling cleared his throat before complying to Thor’s silent order. Immediately, Tony’s voice filled the room.

“Hey Lokes. First of all, happy anniversary babe. Here’s to us.” The footage showed Tony raising a glass of champagne at the camera as a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. The engineer took a sip of his drink before putting the glass down and staring right at the camera once again. “If you’re watching this, it means that I’m not here to celebrate our five years with you. And for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay alive, and I’m sorry that I caused you pain. But I know you, Lokes. You’re strong, possibly the strongest person I know. Don’t tell your brother, he likes to think he’s the strongest Avenger…”

All three men let out a chuckle at those words. Thor chanced a glance at his brother and noticed the fond smile on Loki’s face despite his teary eyes.

“You’ll get through this, babe. I may be dead, but hey we both knew that would happen sooner or later, right? It just so happens that my death came sooner rather than later, but that doesn’t mean that you should be sad. I don’t know at this point in time exactly _how_ I will die, but if my death can help you guys defeat that dumbass purple alien, then I’m down for it. And I know that as a prince who was raised to be a King, you understand better than anyone else that sometimes in order to keep the peace, you have to make sacrifices elsewhere.”

“I owe it to everyone, Lokes. Right now, I’m filming this firmly believing that I won’t make it. Call it a gut feeling. If I do survive, great stuff. I’ll delete this cheesy footage and get on with my life. With _our_ life, because that’s what I want for us if I survive, okay Lokes? I want a life, just you and me. I can’t think of a better retirement than spending the rest of my life with you. I’ll even move to stupid cold and dark Norway if that’s what you really want.”

“I guess all I want you to know is that ever since you came back to Earth after your world was destroyed, I could tell that you were a reformed man. And that doesn’t necessarily excuse your past mistakes, but it definitely makes up for part of it. When Thor told us that you should join the Avengers, everyone including me had reservations, but you’ve proved to me that you’re worthy. You might not be able to hold Mjöllnir, but you’re still worthy. Please never forget that, okay Lokes?”

“Whatever happens to me, I want you to move on. I mean, not too quickly either you know, or I swear to God I’ll come back to haunt you and your new fuck buddy. But, you know, allow yourself heal. Find yourself a husband, or a wife, have children, or don’t… live your life however you want, live a long, happy and fulfilling life. That’s the best way you can honour me, babe. Be the person I know you can be. And please, don’t blame yourself for my death. I would do anything to keep you safe, and that includes fighting Thanos one on one. This is entirely my decision. Please, don’t ever let yourself believe that you are in any way responsible for my death. I love you. I love you so much, never forget that. I’ll see you at some point, maybe in the afterlife. Bye for now.”

The screen suddenly went black, and for a very long while nobody spoke. Thor noticed Peter trying to hide his fresh tears, but surprisingly Loki had kept a better composure. Perhaps he had no tears left to cry in his body, which would explain his still dry cheeks. The only indication that he was moved by his dead lover’s speech was the sad smile on his face and his watery eyes. Thor could not hide the emotion in his voice as he spoke.

“Would you like us to leave you alone, brother?”

“I think it’s time for me to leave my room and have a shower. I might even join in the festivities, if it’s not too late for that.”

Thor felt a genuine smile appear on his face. Peter looked confused at the sudden turn of events.

“Of course, brother. You are more than welcome to join.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather chill tonight, Mr Loki? It’s fine if you do, you know. You need time to process everything, and…,” Peter stopped talking as soon as Loki raised a hand.

“Peter, thank you for your concern, but those were Anthony’s last wishes, right? That I move on. Well, I think I’ve made good progress over the past couple of months, but today I took a fall. Now, it’s time to bounce back and honour his memory like he asked me to.”

 

_Many centuries later, in the halls of Valhalla…_

 

“Anthony, I waited forty-three years before I took someone else to my bed. I’m convinced that’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before moving on from you. Will you drop the subject already?” 

“Nope! What’s forty-three years to someone who lives up to be five thousand, Lokes? Six months in human years, or something?” Tony retorted cheekily, turning his back to his lover and crossing his arms before his chest in mock indignation. Loki sighed heavily at his dramatic lover.

“You’re being ridiculous!”

“And you’re being insensitive, Reindeer Games. I was very tempted to haunt that guy’s ass for the rest of his life. I hated his guts with passion!”

“I’m sure you did, love,” Loki conceded as he wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist, kissing the spot just behind his ear that always drove the engineer insane. The whine that escaped Tony was all Loki needed to know that all was forgiven.

“You’re so lucky I love you,” Tony told the mage as he turned around in his lover’s embrace and locked their lips in a passionate kiss.

“I love you, too, Anthony. For all eternity.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is really really really sad, I cried a little writing... which is why I couldn't resist adding the fluff.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it x


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